What a difference a decade makes...

I can't believe it- 10 years ago today, on October 18, 2000 my mom passed away, and here I am a decade later.

Fun fact this is my 200th post- coincidence- hmmm

It's so strange to think it's been ten years. How different would my life be in those ten years? What kind of relationship would my mom and I have now? We never got a chance to survive the whole 'independent daughter, worrying mother' phase of our relationship (in case you're curious that tends to happen around the daughter's age of 17). She never got a chance to um what's the word, offer her opnions about decisions in my life, influence if you will, it's been all me and all my decisions for ten years- it's a strange feeling.

I can't help but wonder if she'd be proud of my decisions, of the choices I made. In th end it's the same feeling I guess most daughters feel, their mom may not approve of all thier choices, but really who does? You can't please everybody, and at the end of the day you have to be satisfied with the decisions that you have made. Over all I know she'd want me to be happy, and I am.

So much has happened in ten years. She passed away, I met the love of my life, he went on a mission, my stepdad got remarried and we moved (I STILL miss my old house to this day!) and I graduated high school. Then an associates degree. ThenI got married. Then I recieved my BA in English and my Montessori degree simultaneously.

Then we got pregnant and had Hailyn in October. I was induced with her.I worried that she would be born the same day my mom passed away, and I'm almost certain she would have been. I'm ok with that now, but the thought of raising a daughter, after losing my mom terrified me to an extent. I worried about the same thing happening to her that happened to me. I am now convinced I cannot die until she is grown, and secure in life. I have to see her through. My accident in Feb proved that to me. I can't be a daredevil (as much) anymore. Sigh. I don't want to be.

October is such a bittersweet month. I KNOW my mom specifically sought Hailyn out and hung out with her beforehad, becuase Hailyn will give me looks sometimes and it's like 'WHOA! THERE'S MOM!' She's done this since she was a newborn- seriously. I'm also convinced my mom would tell Hailyn stories in heaven all about the tantrums I use to throw and the 'nudity' obsession I had with taking my clothes off- my mom always said I would get my payback and raise a daughter just like me- Hailyn so is me! In fact the student surpasses the teacher in my opinion here. I do worry about Hailyn forgetting her grandma in heaven. My mom, imperfect as we all are in our own ways, she rocked. Especially towards the last four years when she was diagnosed, she was a rock, the strongest woman I will ever know.

There are some days I just want to call and ask her advice. When I'm sick I just wish my mommy were there with soup, but alas, it's not possible and I'm a grown up, I get my own soup now (also has to do with motherhood- you don't get sick days!) I wish Ryan got to know her- it's strange because Ryan really only knows a fraction of me, a few peices of the puzzle are missing for him, just because (he has also never met my biological dad and if I can help it he NEVER will- long story don't want to get into) but really, my dad will never EVER even meet Hailyn. Tangent over. Ryan did meet my mom once, he doesn't rememeber. My mom thought he was super cute and nice. I think she'd approve! haha! Life would sure be easier if she were here, but then again life isn't supopsed to be easy.

I did a lot in those ten years, and I will always wonder what she thought of my decision, my actions, and the person I am now. Hopefully she'll be proud of the fact that I am trying to pursue my dream- this project
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1036129594/lacie-launches-a-book-and-you-get-to-read-it.